Chapter 44 Episode 44

And I stand there, staring after him long after he’s left. Eventually, I collapse onto the sofa and curse my poor judgment, my traitorous feelings, my fickle, idiotic heart. Despite my best impression of indifference, he can still see right through me. Could he tell that my feelings for him go so much deeper than they should? Could he tell that signing that contract sent a wave of electricity coursing through every nerve? Could he tell that he alone has encompassed my thoughts and my dreams for the last few days? I go to the fridge and grab some mandarins that I bought almost a week ago. I make a juice and add a fresh twist of lemon. It reminds me of Chris, oddly enough. I bartended at a shitty little dive during my sophomore year of college. I had my heart set on this gorgeous teal blender I’d seen in a Williams & Sonoma window display. Although, when Chris asked why I was working in such a dump, I told him that I was saving up for some kickass black leather boots. The truth felt too embarrassing. Still does, honestly. I pick up my phone and dial his number. He answers almost immediately, as though he’s been staring at his phone waiting for my call. I smile. He used to answer my calls the same way in college. It does make me wonder if my judgment is clouded where Chris is concerned. Is Freya right? Has he had feelings for me this whole time and I just never noticed? “I… um… I wanted to tell you something.” Unlike the boots and blender situation, I owe him the truth this time around. He kept Anton’s phone with him this entire time, regardless of the danger it put him in. And he did it willingly. Because he is always there to help me, even when I don’t want it or ask for it or think I need it. “Is it about the phone?” Chris asks urgently. “Did he show up? Did you give it back? Is he finally gonna leave you alone?” The moment the questions burst out of him, I realize how badly he wants this to be over for me. How do I possibly explain to him that a very big part of me is terrified of never seeing Anton again? “Sorry,” I mumble. “No. No, Anton, uh, he didn’t show up tonight. I was just—I just needed to talk to a friend.” I could swear he sounds bitter. I push down the guilt. He’ll never understand why I would agree to the contract with Anton. Plus, he’ll try giving me solutions I don’t want to take. Lord knows I’ve spent enough time thinking about ways out of this nightmare. Right now, I’m not interested in advice. I just need someone to offer me space to breathe. A shoulder to lean on. “If you’re busy, I can—” “I told you, Jess: I’m never too busy for you.” The guilt twists in my chest like a knife. I change the subject as quickly as I can. “Did I tell you that Salma contacted me recently?” “Oh, I must have told Freya then.” There’s a loaded pause. “Seeing a lot of her, are you?” “Can you please try and get along with her? She’s really great, actually. And she’s been helping me through all this just as much as you have.” “Seriously, Chris,” I sigh. “We’re not in high school anymore.” “You think this is, like, a clique thing? I’m jealous of the cool new girl?” “No, of course not. I just think that sometimes, you can be a little… possessive about our friendship.” “Jesus Christ, we’re not in high school anymore, Jessa,” he says, throwing my own words back in my face in a cruel, mocking tone I’ve never heard from him before. “This is not about resenting the fact that you’ve invited another person into our circle. For God’s sake, give me more credit than that.” He sighs and eases up. “I just don’t like that she was giving you bad advice that put you in harm’s way. Like telling you to keep that damn phone with you.” “She changed her mind about that.” “Is that why you decided to return it, then?” “Ouch. How about you give me more credit than that, Chris?” “Sometimes, I forget how long we didn’t talk for,” he whispers in a sad voice. “I figured once Dane was gone, we would pick right up where we left off. But maybe it isn’t as easy as that.” “What are you—I think we’re fine. Things aren’t different!” “Feels like we’re on different pages, J. Maybe even different books.” “Well, we’re different people. That’s normal. It’s okay.” “It didn’t used to be like this,” he reminds me. “Before Dane, things were so much simpler.” I exhale. “Okay. I can’t deny that.” “You’re so much better off without him, you know?” “Oh, you don’t have to tell me that. I know.” “I just…” Chris clicks his tongue a few times. It’s one of his nervous tics. “I just don’t want you replacing one bad guy with another.” I fall silent. “I… I didn’t ask for this, you know,” I remind him, because it’s all I can say right now without outright lying to him. “It just… happened to me.” “True, but your choices after the fact are on you, Jessa. I don’t want you to… s**t, never mind.” “What, Chris? Just say it.” “I don’t want you choosing wrong again.” I bite back a snappy retort. Anton is already getting inside my head, because I can feel a sort of simmering anger boil up at the thought of someone telling me what to do. I have to remind myself that Chris is on my side. He’s a good guy, he wants what’s best for me, and he’s just giving me his perspective in the hopes that it’ll keep me out of trouble. Those are all good things. He’s not the enemy. “Can we talk about something else?” I mumble. He laughs, though it’s sort of melancholy. “Like what? We can talk about me if you want, but my life is boring as hell.” “No girls on the horizon?” I chew on the inside of my cheek for a while. “Chris, can I ask you a question?” I say once a few minutes of silence have passed. “You used to have girlfriends all the time. Sandra, Casey, Jane, Rebecca. They were all freaking awesome. Why didn’t it work with one of them?” He groans. “On second thought, let’s not talk about me.” I smile. “Don’t even try to change the subject, buster. I’m genuinely curious.” “They were all… great,” he says after a tense beat. “But in the end, we just weren’t compatible. There’s a lot that goes into that, but bottom line is, they just weren’t right for me. The right girl is out there somewhere. Probably right under my nose.” Freya’s observation bubbles to the surface. For a second, I wonder if asking Chris about his feelings outright is a smart idea. But the moment I seriously contemplate it, I swallow the question whole. I’ve never felt that way about Chris. Nothing good can come out of bringing it up. Because if Freya is right and he admits to having feelings for me, then that might end our friendship. And I need to avoid that at all costs. I’ve lost enough as it is lately. “Well, I hope you find her soon.” “Yeah,” he says solemnly. “Me, too.” Suddenly, I wish I hadn’t called him at all. “Thanks for talking to me, Chris. I needed this.” “Calling it a night?” he asks. “Okay. Let me know when the phone’s off your hands.” “I will. Goodnight. And thanks again.” The line goes dead and I toss my phone on the sofa. Not long ago, I’d been looking forward to a very different life. A husband. A little house just outside of the city. An exciting career with an upward trajectory. Now? Well, now, I have no idea where I’ll be in five days, let alone five years. I have no husband and no job. No hope, either. So much for my planning. So much for my dreams. I should feel disappointed, let down, heartbroken. But instead, all I can feel is… excited. And every time that feeling takes hold of me, all I can think of is a pair of haunting gray eyes. “She’s here,” Lev says, walking into the room. I can see as much on the large monitors facing me. I like to keep an eye on things, and from the moment she walked up to the gates at the end of the driveway, I watched her. She gawked at the mansion beyond, dumbstruck until my security guard, Mikal, directed her inside. He drove her up the long drive in one of the rugged black golf carts used to traverse the property. Cameras hidden amongst the foliage tracked her all the way to the front door and inside. Now, she’s standing in the main foyer, looking extremely uncomfortable. She’s wearing dark jeans and a white t-shirt that fits her snugly. She’s also got a sports bag strapped over one shoulder. “You can show her to the kitchens,” I tell Lev. He hesitates. “Don’t you wanna do that yourself?” “No, I don’t intend to see her yet.” He gives me an amused smile. “That’s gonna piss her off.” Shaking his head, Lev heads out of my office and goes back to the main foyer.