Chapter 49 Episode 49

I shrug. “The secrets she hid. The fights she picked. It was like she wanted the marriage to fail.” “And what about you?” Jessa asks. “What did you want?” I weigh my answer for a while. “I wanted the marriage to endure,” I say at last. “It means I expected to stay married to her, at least legally.” “But you wanted to live separate lives?” Jessa asks, eyebrows raised. “It sounds ugly when you put it like that.” “I’m guessing it would sound ugly any which way. I’m not surprised she was miserable.” I glare at her. “Are you her spokeswoman?” She gives me a small smile. “I can’t speak for your wife, but I think I know what most women want at the end of the day.” “To be seen,” she replies quietly. “To be heard. To be valued.” I fall silent, but she continues to observe me. I can tell her interest is piqued. She wants to know more about my marriage to Marina, but she is too uncomfortable to ask outright. “Despite everything that happened with Dane, I think I’ll still want to get married one day,” she says. “Do you feel the same way after Marina?” “Marriage is not high on my priority list,” I tell her honestly. “Does that disappoint you?” “Why should it?” she snaps. I suppress a smile and keep my eyes on the road. She looks pointedly out of her window, pretending to watch the scenery as we drive. Neither of us says a word the rest of the way. Five minutes later, I come to a stop outside of her building. The streetlights are on and they cast a ghostly pallor over the rest of the street. Jessa twists her body towards me and gives me an awkward smile. “Thanks for the lift.” She hesitates, unsure how to say goodbye to me, considering we just f****d barely an hour ago. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says. “Um, I mean… maybe. Not that I expect to see you or anything. Though, I will be cooking for you, so I just assumed I will be… seeing you, I mean.” She stops talking and turns an adorably endearing shade of pink. “Sorry,” she murmurs when I don’t say anything. “Go in and get some rest, Jessa,” I say. I hesitate before I add, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Her shoulders relax just a little. She’s about to get out of the car when she stops abruptly and turns back to me. “You should know… I never do this kind of thing.” She exhales sharply. “Don’t make me say it.” I shake my head hopelessly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Sleeping with my employer,” she says through gritted teeth. “This was a first.” “Ah, that.” I smile. “I guess I did know what you were talking about.” She rolls her eyes. “Asshole.” Then she gets out of the car, slams the door hard, and walks into her building without turning back to glance at me. But I know she wants to. Because I’m under her skin now. Just like she’s under mine. At the door to my building, I turn back and watch as his Ferrari disappears up the sloped hill. “What is happening to me?” I whisper. No answers are forthcoming from the night. I sigh and walk inside. The stairwell is dark, and I don’t reach out to flip the light switch. There’s something comforting about the darkness. Turning on the lights would just shatter the moment. Would reveal that I’m back in my depressingly normal life instead of in the lush fantasy world Anton calls reality. Do I want to live in that fantasy? One night with him and I’m already completely immersed. He makes it seem possible for me to live that kind of life, too. Even when my head knows that my heart is being stupid. My phone rings, slicing through the silence. I jump about ten feet in the air with a stifled shriek, and when I land clumsily, I come within a fingertip’s grip on the railing of tumbling two flights of stairs to my death. When my heartbeat finally gets back below two hundred, I pull it out of my purse and see Chris’s name on the screen. “Hi.” I know I can’t avoid having this conversation with him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. “Jessa?” He’s trying and failing to hide his worry. “Where are you?” “I’m out. Or, that is… I just got back home.” He hesitates for a second. Suspicion suffuses the pregnant silence. “Well, which is it?” “Is that supposed to be convincing?” “Sorry,” I say with a sigh. “It’s just been a long day. I really did just get home. I’m in the stairwell of my building right now.” “I just wanted to know if you’ve gotten rid of the phone yet,” he says. “You’ve been so quiet and you didn’t text me back.” I frown. I didn’t even realize he’d texted me. “Where are you?” “What do you mean? It’s past eleven. I’m home.” I don’t know why I think it’s a good idea to have him come over to explain this. It would be so much easier to tell him over the phone. That way, I could hang up when things got too heated. Which I have every expectation they will. But I want to try and be a better friend to Chris than I have been in the past. He deserves to be looked in the eye when I tell him what’s going on now. And if he disapproves—which of course he will because he has sense in spades and apparently I have less than none—I’ll just have to take it like a big girl. “This sounds serious,” he says nervously. “I think that depends on how you look at it.” “I’ll be there in ten.” He hangs up before I can say anything else. Sighing, I climb up to my apartment and almost run into Freya. She’s on her way down with a bag of trash in hand. “You didn’t return my call,” she says. “And I came by this morning. You weren’t in.” I can feel myself flush with more guilt. “Right, I wasn’t at home today. I… I have a job…” “You got a job?” she asks. “Well, say more!” “It’s a long story. Tell you about it later?” Her eyes go wide. “Oh my God!” She drops her voice to a whisper and says, “You accepted his contract, didn’t you?” How the f**k did she guess so quickly? Am I that transparent? “Well—” She looks shocked for a moment, but she composes herself quickly. “Are you sure about this?” I nod. “The first day wasn’t so bad, at least.” She leans in close and sniffs. “What are you doing?” Her eyes narrow and a small smile plays across her lips. “You smell like a man.” “Did you f**k him?” she gasps. I hate that she says it like that. f**k him. Like what we did was cheap and salacious. But I don’t want to correct her in case she gets the wrong idea. Though, looking at her expression now, it’s clear she’s already locked onto the wrong idea. “You f****d him!” she squeals. “I knew there was something funny going on between the two of you. Did he initiate it or did you?” “Oh my God, is he good in bed?” she asks. “What was it like? Tell me everything.” “Listen, Chris is on his way over and I’m going to have to explain a few things to him. Can we talk about this another time?” She frowns. “Urgh, his timing couldn’t be worse.” “I’m the one who called him over.” “Then your timing couldn’t be worse. I can’t believe he’s gonna get the details before I do.” “First of all, he’s not getting details of anything. I’m just trying to explain to him why I decided to accept Anton’s ‘contract.’ After I tell him there’s a contract in the first place.” She winces. “Oh boy, he’s not going to like this one bit.” “I’ll just have to explain it to him calmly.” “Great. And when you’re done, you can come explain it to me.” I hesitate. “You think I’m crazy, too?” “Completely,” she says with a smile. “But I’ve seen the man, so I can’t exactly blame you. I wonder what’s in it for him, though?” I feel as though she’s just poured cold water down my back. “What do you mean?” “I mean, there has to be a reason he seems intent on keeping you around, right?” “Well… maybe he likes me?” I feel like a complete i***t having to make the suggestion myself. As if I’m the only person delusional enough to think Anton could like me. Freya catches her slip, too. She looks embarrassed for a minute. “Of course! Of course he must, honey. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that…” She trails off and we stare awkwardly at one another. Then she sighs and touches my shoulder apologetically. “You’re awesome, Jessa. But this guy… he’s not like the men we’re used to. He can get any woman he wants.” “That’s not what I’m saying.” She shakes her head. “I just think you need to be careful.” I don’t like hearing it, but I know I need to. Still, I don’t think I have the energy to deal with both Freya and Chris tonight. “Can we talk later?” I ask for the third time. “Of course. I’m just gonna take the trash out.”