Chapter 61 Episode 61

“What happened?” Spegal asks, setting his bag down on the floor and moving to the bed. “Shock,” I say. “But she was sick yesterday. Could be related.” Dr. Spegal leans over Jessa and checks her vitals. Then he brings out the stethoscope. At one point, he raises her blouse and starts pushing his fingers into the side of her stomach. I frown, the sudden surge of displeasure tainting my eyes with red spots. I’m glad that Spegal is an older man. And I happen to know he’s a family man to boot. That’s the only thing stopping me from grabbing him by the collar and dragging him away from my woman. I stiffen. My woman. The thought is like a bucket of cold water dumped down my back. I can’t deny I’ve felt protective over Jessa in the past. But this is different. It’s possessive, in a way I’ve never felt before. “Well?” I ask, mostly to distract myself from the conflict roiling inside me. “What is it?” “I can’t say anything definitive right now,” he says, turning to me. “I can do a more thorough checkup when she’s awake.” “How long will that be?” “Hard to say. You said it was shock that caused her to faint?” he asks. “I shot someone in front of her,” I admit. “That’ll do it,” he says, though there’s no inflection in his tone. He might as well be talking about the weather. Bratva doctors are a hardy, trustworthy bunch. “But I’m thinking this is because she’s been sick,” I say. “What makes you say that?” “She’s seen me kill before.” The doctor frowns. “Is she usually around for that kind of thing?” “Not usually. But she has a bad habit of eavesdropping.” Dr. Spegal raises his brows like he perfectly understands my plight. Then he looks back down at Jessa. “You said she fell sick yesterday?” I nod. “She seemed better this morning.” “Hmm.” The doctor turns back to Jessa and observes her with a thoughtful expression on his face. Then he leans in again and starts touching her stomach once more. My hands clench into fists. “Is there a reason you keep doing that?” He gives me an amused glance as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. “Just trying to determine whether…” He loses track of his sentence as he concentrates on her stomach. “Is this how you get your rocks off, Spegal? I’m losing patience,” I growl. “She’s a beautiful girl, Anton,” he tells me with a wry mirth. “But she’s about thirty years too young for me.” Goddammit. Apparently, I’m that f*****g transparent. “You wouldn’t happen to know when her last period was, would you?” he asks. It takes a full three seconds before those words compute. “Excuse me?” “She might be pregnant,” he says. I shake my head immediately. “She’s not pregnant.” “So you haven’t had s*x with her?” he asks, a knowing smile pulling on his usually dour expression. The man laughs. “This may be the first time I’ve seen you lost for words. And I’ve known you since you were a boy.” I stare at Jessa. Her stomach is flat. I can see the thin definition of her abs. “She can’t be pregnant.” “Did you use protection?” Doctor Spegal asks me. I stiffen and he adds, “Even if you did, it’s not always one hundred percent effective.” I move closer to Jessa, pondering the possibility that she may be pregnant. If she is… that would change everything. I would have a second chance at being a father. Maybe Jessa isn’t the only one holding out for a fairytale. I turn to the doctor with a distracted expression. “Yeah?” “There’s no point staying here with your mouth hanging open. Go and get some fresh air. I’ve got her.” “That better not be a euphemism.” As much as I don’t want to leave, I need a second to think. To process. But even when I find myself in the dark comfort of my office, I can’t seem to get my thoughts together. It’s not just the pull of fatherhood that has me flustered. It’s the possibility of fatherhood with Jessa. The mother-to-be had been the only needle in my side the last time this happened. The realization that I would have to raise a child with Marina was poisonous. It soured the joy I felt. But this time? If this baby is real… I can’t find a single reason not to be euphoric. “Anton?” Lev steps through and clicks the door to my office room shut. “You okay?” “Not sure,” I mutter, eyes downcast. “That’s surprising. I thought you’d be ecstatic to finally be rid of the old f**k. One bullet and you basically obliterated the Ivanov Bratva.” “I’m not talking about Rodion.” Saying it makes it real. Seeing Lev’s expression makes it real, too. “Are you serious?” he asks. He drags a hand down his face. “Jesus, man. Haven’t you ever heard of a condom?” “I wanted to be in her without one. Anyway, I assumed she was on the pill.” I shrug. I’d given her plenty of opportunity to tell me to stop. “You assumed?” Lev scoffs, sounding more and more incredulous. “You mean you didn’t make sure? That’s unlike you.” “I didn’t think I would see her again after that first night on the boat. I didn’t think that far ahead.” “You mean you didn’t think at all.” “I just wanted her,” I say without thinking. Maybe I should be embarrassed, but I’m not. Wanting Jessa feels as natural as breathing. Back then, now, and at every moment in between. “Everything else paled in comparison.” It’s Lev expression that tips me off to how f*****g insane I sound right now. I fall silent, brooding. “How do you feel about this news?” he asks after a long pause. I don’t even have to think about it. “I want this baby to be real.” “You wanted the last one, too… even with Marina.” The last one. I run a hand over my face before I make eye contact with Lev. “I still think about the child. The one I…” I say it anyway. “The one I killed.” “Stop,” Lev growls vehemently. “Marina miscarried. It happens.” “I might have believed that if it happened in isolation,” I point out. “But it didn’t. She miscarried two days after that meeting. The one where I tried to strangle her to death.” “Because she managed to choke out that she was pregnant. And even then, I thought she was lying. I thought she was manipulating me.” “She was the girl who cried wolf,” Lev says. “Of course you didn’t believe her.” “I would have killed her that day,” I admit. Lev laughs like I’m joking. When he sees my face, he stops short. “Listen, man… if this is going to turn into a confession, I don’t really want to hear it.” I stare at Lev, the person who I consider a brother. The man I consider my closest friend and confidant. If I were going to confess anything, it would be to him. “What do you think I’m confessing to, Lev?” I ask quietly. He studies my face, searching for the answer before I can give it to him. “I honestly don’t know, brother. All I can say is that it won’t make a difference to me.” I smile sourly. “No confession from me today. Just an acknowledgement of what you already know I’ve done.” “It was a bad fight,” Lev says gently. “You were both pissed and emotional. She miscarried. Stuff like that happens. It was not your fault.” “It feels like my fault. Divine f*****g retribution. But worse than that, I feel guilty for all the things I felt right after it happened. Relieved. Unburdened. Set free.” “Brother,” Lev says, with a tired sigh, “you’re only human. It’s a normal reaction to have.” “Is it?” I ask. “Feeling relieved that your wife miscarried your baby?” “She was also the one who emptied a million-dollar-wine cellar on your bed and tried to light a match,” he drawls. “Thank God she didn’t know wine isn’t flammable.” I grimace. “Should have told Rodion that little tidbit before I blew his brains out,” I mutter. “Thinks his precious little girl was so f*****g innocent.” “It wouldn’t have mattered what you told him,” Lev points out. “He wouldn’t have believed you, anyway.” “You know it’s over, right?” he asks. “More or less. Yaromir isn’t going to move against you, especially after today. You’ve got his balls in a vise grip.” “You’re a free man. From Marina. From her father. You’ve got the clean slate you’ve always wanted.” “You trying to tell me something?” “I’m trying to say that maybe you can start over,” he suggests. “With a woman you actually care about.” I raise my eyebrows, wondering for the first time what a future with Jessa might look like. The moment I think about it, it feels inevitable. What is my other option? To let her walk out of my life? That was never gonna happen, whether she was carrying my baby or not. She belongs to me now—forever. “Is a fresh start even possible for someone like me?” I murmur, thinking out loud. Lev chuckles under his breath. “You’re the one who keeps saying that anything is possible for you. Time to prove it.” “Who are you?” I rasp. The man standing over me is old and balding, which helps my nerves. But not by much. Especially since he’s got something pressed against my stomach.