Chapter 52 Episode 52

Then she pulled a knife out of her boot leg and came at me with decisive intent. I turned back just in time to see the weapon. Just in time to bat it out of her hand and pin her wrist to the table. She screamed like a woman possessed. Now, as then, her words are unintelligible. For the second time, I threw her hard onto the table and twisted her around so she was looking up at me. “Stop it!” I yelled. “f*****g stop it, Marina!” “I will never stop!” she screamed right back at me. “I will never f*****g stop!” And that’s when I lost it. As I watch myself give in to the beast that was growing inside of me, I can remember perfectly how I felt. I can remember the turmoil and desperation that engulfed me when I realized that she wasn’t lying: she would never stop. My hands wrapped around her neck and I started to squeeze. Her screams went flat. Her eyes bulged when she realized that I wasn’t going to stop, either. I was going to f*****g kill her. She struggled, but I wasn’t going to let up. Even when she started flailing her arms around and shaking her head. Even when she started choking… I wasn’t going to stop. She managed to choke out a single word. You can’t hear it on the tape. It’s too soft and too strangled. But I remember the word I heard that forced me to back off. I released her in horror and took a few labored steps back. My face isn’t visible, but I remember being frozen with shock. She supported herself on her elbows, pushing herself upright. Her fingers were shivering hard. “You want to kill me?” she croaked, the words soft but audible. “Then know you’ll be killing your unborn child, too.” “I’m six weeks pregnant. Don’t you remember that drunken night about six weeks ago? We had a fight and it turned… ugly. Violent. And then… Do you remember?” Her voice was croaky and labored, but she forced the words out as though her life depended on it. I suppose they did. This voice doesn’t come from the television or the past, but from behind me in the here and now. I turn and see Lev standing just inside the doorway. I turn back to the screen and switch it off. “Nothing.” “Jesus,” Lev says, moving in front of me and taking the small green armchair adjacent. “I thought you’d stopped torturing yourself with this s**t. What do you get from watching it?” “If that were true, one watch would have been enough.” I shake my head. “I just… needed to see it again.” “You keep tapes of important meetings. This is not one of those. Let me destroy it.” “Because I’m not ready to destroy it yet.” “But why?” He sounds almost desperate. He gives me a long-suffering sigh. “You know why I got on board with your strange fascination with the pretty chef? Because she distracted you from this self-inflicted torture. It seemed like you were moving on.” Lev glances at the now-black screen. I can see both of our shadowy reflections staring back at me. “You want the truth, Lev?” He nods. “That would be great.” “Before Marina, I’d never experienced guilt. I haven’t felt it since, either. But when I think about her… I feel it. I feel guilty for—” “Don’t,” Lev says, cutting me off. “We don’t need to go there, brother. It’s in the past now.” “I should feel sorry,” I say, letting my innermost thoughts get the better of me. “I should feel terrible that she’s dead. But I don’t, Lev. All I feel is relieved.” “I know, brother,” he sighs. He speaks with the kind of understanding that can only come from someone who has stood in the eye of the storm. Who endured the chaos and the c*****e and knows what it’s like. “The problem is… I think other people know that, too.” I wake up feeling strange. At first, I think it’s all in my head, but my body definitely aches a little as I get into the shower. Nausea has settled in the pit of my stomach. Nausea and… excitement, maybe? I can’t deny that I’m eager to go into work today. I’m excited about the possibility of seeing Anton. I know so much and so little about him. I know that the darkest part of him is capable of murder, but… I also know there’s more. So much more. And I want to uncover all of it. My skin tingles when I think about him. I keep replaying little moments from last night. As I get out of the shower, I remember the way his breath quickened in the seconds before he came. I remember the way he’d buried his face in the crook of my neck as he filled me again and again. I’d been too involved in the aftermath of my own orgasm to pay much attention to what he was doing and experiencing, but I realize that I’d stowed away little gems tucked away under more dominant memories. Once I’ve toweled myself off, I dress in a pair of black jeans I usually reserve for nights out with my friends. The shape is flattering and they’re just slim enough to draw attention to my ass. I pair the jeans with a long-sleeved white shirt. It’s seemingly modest, but it’s skin-tight. I finish the look with my beige ankle boots and the tiniest bit of nude lip gloss to finish. I know it looks like I’ve made an extra effort. Maybe too much of an effort. I certainly don’t want to come off like I’m trying too hard—Anton will see that from a mile away. So, on my way out the door, I swipe the lip gloss off. It’s overkill. Then I grab my jacket and purse and head into the lion’s den. On the train, I check my phone and see messages from both Chris and Freya. It’s amusing that they don’t seem to like each other very much, because their texts are almost identical. FREYA: Hey girl, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Will you call me after your shift tonight? Let me know how things are going with the brooding hottie? Chris’s message is slightly more serious. Just like he is. CHRIS: Hey J. Was worried about you all last night. Will you let me know how your day goes? Just want to make sure the jerk behaves himself. I smile while replying with smileys and thumbs up to both of them and then try to people-watch for the rest of my journey. But all I end up doing is thinking of him. The kind of jawline that makes a woman go weak in the knees. By the time I’m walking up the road that leads to Anton’s incredible mansion, all I’m thinking about is what might happen during service tonight. Food be damned. I’m hungry for him. Then my phone rings, pulling me back to reality. “Hi, Chris,” I say, picking up reluctantly. “Not yet. It’s a long commute.” “Will he be there today?” I suppress a sigh. “Not really sure, Chris. He doesn’t give me a rundown of his schedule.” “Just do me a favor and make sure you’re never alone with him.” “Why?” he says incredulously, as though I’ve just asked the stupidest question on the planet. “Because he’s a freaking Bratva don, Jessa! That’s why. Christ, I feel like a broken record.” “I’ve been alone with him plenty of times before, Chris.” “It only takes one bad moment.” “For what?” I ask, feeling slightly defensive all of a sudden. “It takes one moment for what, Chris?” He exhales in frustration. “I just want to make sure you’re safe.” “Then stop acting as though I’m the enemy,” he snaps. I bristle at the accusation in his voice. This feels dangerously similar to our relationship after I told him I was engaged to Dane. The reason for our rift in the first place. “Okay, then stop acting like I’m crazy for being worried. You’re willingly walking into this monster’s house.” “And you know where I am,” I point out. “If I go missing, you can go to the cops.” “I don’t want justice for you after you’re dead. I want to prevent you from dying in the first place,” he retorts. I hear the phone beep as I’m speaking to Chris, and I realize I’m getting another call. I check to see who it is, and I feel a smidgen of relief when I see Freya’s name. “Why do we think I’m dying today?” I can’t keep myself from asking. “I have to go, Chris.” “Just remember what we talked about last night. You need to figure out what happened with his wife. Maybe if you find out the truth, it’ll be easier for you to walk away.” My gut sinks at the thought. It’s obvious Chris wholeheartedly believes that Anton murdered his wife in cold blood. He’s just waiting for me to figure it out for myself. “Someone else is calling. I have to go.” “I’ll call you tonight when I’m back home.” I end the call while he’s still talking and answer Freya. “Jessa?” she says. “Hi, Freya,” I say as the black gates of Anton’s mansion come into view. “Fine. I’m heading into work.”