Chapter 13 - Struggling To Move On.

'Moving on, as a concept, is for stupid people because any sensible person knows grief is a long-term project, I refuse to rush, the pain that is thrust upon us let no man slow or speed or fix' ~ Max Porter One Month Later... Daniella's P.O.V. The late Queen of England once said that grief is the price that we all pay for love. This is something that I wholeheartedly agree with because the love that I have for my mom and dad and also the bond that we shared with each other was so tight and strong that it's made my grief over their untimely deaths even more intense and harder for me to cope with. Unfortunately, the sad thing about grief is that it's nothing new and it's something that everyone has to go through in their lives because as my parents always used to say, death is an inevitable part of life that none of us can avoid. It's because of this that I knew that I'd have no other choice but to face all of this heartbreak and pain one day when my loved ones died, it's just that none of us know what to expect when that day eventually comes which is the scary and unpredictable part about it. For me, I always hoped that things would be different when I lost my parents. For example, I hoped that they'd be a lot older when they died and that I'd, not only have people around me to help and support me through my grief but that I'd also have time in between their deaths to process them separately and not together like I am now because man this is so f*****g hard. It's so hard for me to grieve for them both together because it feels like I'm feeling everything in doubles all of the time, double the pain, double the sadness, double the heartbreak. It's almost like the grieving process is never freaking ending which is making my daily life a living hell most of the time, where the bad days outweigh the good ones. I know that it's only been a couple of months since they died and that I should probably try to be patient and find a way to cope with my grief but it's hard to do that, especially on the hard days where I feel so freaking paralysed by it that I can't breathe, think or even find it in me to move or get out of bed in the morning. Not to mention that I've also been having these god awful nightmares the past couple of months which have served as a permanent reminder of certain moments from the past few weeks such as when the police told me that my parents had died or when I had to go to the hospital so that I could identify their bodies and also when I had to arrange their funerals and I felt all alone while doing it even though I wasn't. This is why I would've preferred it if their deaths had happened separately instead of together so that I could have someone with me to shoulder the burden with because they know what I'm going through and can help ease my pain and suffering. I mean, god bless my godparents, my parents friends and families and even Dante and his family who were a godsend after my parents died, they were always there for me and gave me comfort when I needed it the most but for some strange reason, it just didn't feel the same to me. Maybe, my opinion about this will change in the future and I'll feel happy and grateful that they died together when I've healed and I've moved on from my grief but at the moment, I really wish that they hadn't because I could really do with having one of them around right now. There's also the fact that I'm grieving the loss of my relationship as well which has made this so much harder for me, not to mention that it's also made me feel even more emotional, especially the past two weeks which I didn't think was possible because every day has felt like Groundhog Day for me in a way where I'm an emotional wreck, the only difference is the emotion. I think it's obvious that the reason why I've been so emotional is because I've gone from having my amazing parents and the love of my life being a constant in my life, to all three of them being gone in just over a week and now, I've been left all alone which feels strange because I'm so used to them always being there in some way and now they're not. This seems like the more logical reason why but I'm not so sure because my emotions have been even more out of whack lately which I don't think is normal. Take the other day, for example. There was a delivery driver on my front porch who was just simply doing his job and I was angry and annoyed when he accidentally stepped on and crushed my mom's favourite Lily bush which made me lose my temper with him, so much so that if my best friend Rosa wasn't there with me when it happened, then I probably would've hurt the poor man and regretted it afterwards. There was also another time when I came home from work exhausted and craving my favourite Dubai chocolate muffins from my local bakery but I didn't have the time to go and get some, so I went home and I was left shocked when I found a white box with those very same muffins inside of it on top of my kitchen counter with a note from Dante on top of it which said that he loves me and he hopes that I can forgive him one day. This made me cry my eyes out for most of the night because I loved and missed him so freaking much but I knew that I could never forgive him for what he did. I know some people will think I'm being dramatic because all he did was he lied to me, he didn't cheat on me or abuse me in any kind of way, he just lied to me about who and what he was but for me, that's enough. You don't lie to or betray the ones that you claim to love, at least not in my book, you don't. Unfortunately for me, this wasn't the last time that Dante has attempted to get me back or gain my forgiveness, in fact, he's been doing everything he can to make sure that his presence in my life is stronger than it's ever been from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. He follows me everywhere I go including to my job, to the shops and even to my friends houses. Dante also won't stop calling and texting me and he refuses to leave me alone which as you can imagine is so f*****g annoying because I just want to get over him and move on with my life but I can't do that when the motherfucker is following me around and leaving gifts for me every day like a goddamn stalker. I really wish that there was something I could do to get him out of my life for good, like going to the police but unfortunately, I can't do that because my very persistent ex isn't shy about hiding his lifestyle from me anymore and he's been proudly using his power and influence as both the King of Austin and also the president of his stupid little biker club to make sure that I know who runs this town including our local PD, so reporting him to them would be a massive waste of my time. I learned this the hard way when I came home from my lawyers office one day and I almost had a heart attack when I walked into my home and I found a smug Dante sitting in my dad's armchair looking like a King on his goddamn throne while my sperm donor and his sons, as well as several other men who I didn't know from Adam were all hanging around like they owned the place. Anyway, I tried to call the police to have them trespassed from my property but the cowards told me that there was nothing that they could do and they ran out of my home like their asses were on fire when they came and saw the group of leather clad men who were all built like the size of a small home. This pissed me off as you can imagine which wasn't a good thing for Dante and his biker buddies who were forced to meet the full force of my wrath because they had caught me on an angry day which I was grateful for because I would've been extremely embarrassed if they had caught me on one of my more emotional days, if you know what I mean. "DANI!!...DANIELLA, WHERE ARE YOU?" "In here" I said after spitting out the mouthwash in my mouth. I then rinsed my mouth out a couple of times with fresh water before washing and drying my hands. "Hey...oh my" Rosa Maria said with a smile which faltered slightly as she looked around my bathroom. "Is everything ok, Dani?" "Everything's fine, Rosie" I said with a smile. "Are you sure? it smells like puke in here" She said with a slight gagging sound whilst looking around the room. Rosa's eyes briefly landed on the slight mess by the toilet before looking up at the open cabinet on the wall. I narrowed my eyes at both of the things that she looked at and I felt my heart rate start to pick up a little when I saw what she was looking at. "Oh, that" I waved her off. "It's nothing, I've just got a bad stomach, that's all" "Oh no, do you wanna cancel lunch? we can always arrange it for another..." "Absolutely not, I'm not rearranging anything, Rosa" I cut her off with a chuckle. "But your stomach..." "Is fine, I just felt a little off, that's all" I explained to my friend, who looked just as worried as she sounded. "A little off?" "Mmm-hmm" I say and she glares at me with the infamous DeLuca glare. "Don't look at me like that Rosa, I'm honestly fine" "Well, I hope you are because you know your godmother will rip you a new one if she finds out that you're sick and you still went out of the house anyway" "I honestly don't care, Rosa" I said with a smile whilst rolling my eyes at her. "Look, it's been a whole month since I last saw my godparents and I'm not gonna let a little thing like a stomach bug ruin my plans, do you hear me?" I ask her and she shrugs her shoulders. "Ok, fine but remember, I told you so on this one" "Roger that, bestie" I said with a fake salute which Rosa chuckled at before leaving me alone. I then looked at myself in the mirror and even though I didn't like the look of my normally olive skin tone looking so pale and sickly, I wasn't worried or concerned about it because why should I be?. People get sick all of the time and there's always some new virus with a weird name popping up out of nowhere, so there's no reason for me to worry just yet, right?. "DANIELLA, HURRY YOUR ASS UP!!...YOUR STOMACH MAY BE OFF BUT MINE ISN'T AND I'M FIXING TO EAT ME A WHOLE DAMN HORSE AT LUNCH, IF WE DON'T HURRY UP AND EAT SOON!!" Rosa shouts from downstairs as I narrowed my eyes in confusion. "YOU DON'T EAT MEAT, ROSA!!" "TRUE!!" She shouts back with a chuckle. "BUT I MAY JUST CONVERT BACK TO THE DARK SIDE AND EAT YOU IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP AND GET READY, DANIELLA!!" Rosa says making me chuckle. "JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, ROSIE!!" "OK!!" She says and I let out a breath. I then went back into my room and grabbed my things before heading downstairs. I just hope that whatever's wrong with me really is just a minor bug and that it doesn't pop up during lunch because the last thing that I need right now is for my godparents to be on my ass over something that could be nothing.