Chapter 12

Being homosexual in the mafia is worthy of death. Anyone who knew would destroy Raoul without a second thought. I could never have imagined it in my life, considering that with me Raoul had never shown anything. He tortured me without mercy when it came to showing power, but now, looking at him, I see truth in Paolo’s words. My brother breathes unevenly, and his expression worries me, terrifies me. “Shut up, bastard!” “Am I lying? You know I am not.” “I will kill you for this one day. I swear, Paolo.” “No one told Lorenzo Vitale to do business with the Americans. We end up exporting all kinds of things, you see?” He shrugs in disdain, trivializing every subject in every situation. “Children!” None of us saw my father arrive. Paolo because he was enjoying himself too much, Raoul because he was worrying too much, and me because I was too afraid. Everything was too much in this family. “Paolo, bothering your brother again?” Father asks, but I can see he barely cares. “I already told you he will always have the chance to prove he did not stray from us. Has it started?” he asks, pointing at Alexandra. “Started? Bruno did not leave much for us here.” “Learn that we always have raw material to shape. If you look closely, there are still many layers. Look, for example, at your sister. So much to learn, isn’t it, Valentina? I hope Bruno taught you good lessons today.” Those eyes, I hate those eyes. The arrogance in them is unreachable. “Your mother did not teach you how to be a respectable woman in this family. You know, dear, your greatest gift is obedience. And that is the only thing I demand. Could you not simply have been docile and silent like any other woman?” he asks, as if he were truly facing a great dilemma. “She does not even know what that is,” Paolo argues. “No, she does not,” my father agrees. “It is impossible that the only women in the Association who are not discreet, who do not want to know about shopping, having children, and all those womanly things, ended up in my family. Your only function is to take care of the house, the children who will come, and satisfy your husband when he demands it. For God’s sake, what were you thinking?” “Father…” Raoul tries to intervene for me, but it is as if nothing came out of his mouth, because both of them ignore him. “Do you know what the soldiers who saw you escape with that b***h are thinking of me?” His gaze now shows raw fury, as if it were his very origin. “That I am weak, that I cannot control my own daughter. Do you know what happens if that spreads? I lose authority, power, and my place inside the Cosa Nostra! Someone else will see me as weak and ask Vitale for my head. Do you want that? Do you want someone else trying to get rid of me to take my damn seat in the commandment and the council?! How can you be so stupid, child?” I do not look at him while he throws his shitty speech at me. He is right, I should not have been so obvious. My mistake was getting caught, and now Alexandra is paying for it. The sound of his heavy hand against my face was not worse than the ringing in my ear after the slap he gave me. “You need to be initiated into this s**t, so you know how hard I work to give you your privileges!” Another slap. “You are going to learn how to be respectable in this family.” Another and then another, burning my skin and destroying any hope I have of getting out of this. “You are going to learn how I teach our guests!” “Enough! Father, enough! Enough!” I can only scream. With my hands still tied, I stand up, proud, without breaking eye contact. “Do not touch me again! I am not her! I am not my mother! If you want to kill me, do it already, but enough of this! This is not a f*****g perfect family and everyone in this damn thing knows it! If you kill me, no one will even know, but enough!” He laughs. The bastard laughs. “You will learn to swallow your words and that, here, your silence is my greatest weapon.” Silence is your shield, Mother said. I still make too much noise, I speak too much, as Miss Elinor always points out. One mistake is enough and everything collapses without us having a chance to hold ourselves up. I learned that lesson the very next second, when wrath became flesh before me and struck me like never before. This time he takes the whip Bruno used and offers it to Paolo. My brother stares at the outstretched hand, his eyes move between us, and then I feel as if he stops seeing me. He takes our father’s place, forces me against the floor, and tears my blouse, leaving my back bare. “You are going to learn to obey, Valentina. You need to obey, damn it! Count!” The feeling is as if flesh is being torn apart again and again while my father keeps my chin lifted so I have to look at him. And even so, I know Paolo is not using all his strength, I know he is not, because it does not compare to what Alexandra went through. “Stop, Paolo!” My father orders, clearly dissatisfied. “Why won’t you count like I told you, stubborn girl?” “You will get nothing from me!” My voice comes out low, as if choked by such pure hatred that I could draw it, because it has my father’s face. “Brave, I admit, but let us deal with facts. Every act of disobedience from you, she suffers,” he says, pointing at an almost dead Alexandra. “She will not die, my dear. We will let her live, well hidden from you in some dark hole. She will live a long time and suffer for every refusal of yours, every disobedience, every betrayal, and every word spoken out of place. She will probably remember nothing after some time. But we will always remind you of what happened to her because of your stupidity. I will remind you of her every day of your life, you ungrateful girl.”